Ephemeris of the Mind (Book Review) How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
Time to read: 2 min read
Book Cover
Great relationships are created, not discovered.
Review
Logan Ury is a behavioural scientist at the dating app Hinge. In her book, she details lessons she’s learned both from her work and from her personal life on how to best approach dating and relationships. This book was recommended to me by a friend who claimed that she benefitted greatly from the advice given.
While much of her advice is pretty sound, obviously there are also several things I disagree with. Starting with advice that I agree with, Ury approaches dating and relationships as one would approach work or a hobby. Dating and relationships require work and initiative; this is an aspect of my life that I am admittedly lacking in. I do put plenty of effort into my work and even my hobbies, but relationships have never been a focus. Another one of Ury’s advice that I resonated with is that dating and being in a relationship is a skill and one should proactively try to get better over time. This iterative approach is a levelheaded and interesting way to approach dating and relationships that makes it less intimidating and less stressful. Finally, Ury advocates for not placing too much emphasis on the “spark” as that feeling is fleeting; instead Ury advocates that people should find someone who they are compatible with and build a strong relationship together.
Some of her other advice, though, can feel prescriptive. For instance, Ury advises that one should always go on a second date, regardless of the outcomes of the first date, which I think is an interesting idea but obviously should be circumstantial. Ury also advocates for going on as many dates with different people as one can. It may be her background as an employee of a dating app, but I strongly believe that having too much choice can harm one’s prospects at finding happiness. There has to be a balance between optionality and commitment, and the tradeoff isn't emphasized enough in this book. If one has the resources, getting introduced to a friend of a friend is a much better way to go about dating.
Conclusion
Some interesting ideas on how to date and have a healthy relationship; one should think for oneselve which ideas to apply and which ideas to discard.